Many of my readers who grew up in U.S. classrooms might remember teachers saying, “There are no silly questions.” Actually, the original phrase was “There are no stupid questions,” but we’ve wisely moved away from using such language. While these statements were intended to encourage curiosity and inquisitiveness in children, they don’t hold up as guiding principles in ethical storytelling. Outside the classroom, there are indeed silly questions. And worse, there are hurtful and offensive questions.
I often hear from organizations hosting donor trips or tours where donors meet individuals directly impacted by the nonprofit’s work. These interactions often include presentations followed by Q&A sessions. And, inevitably, someone asks a question that is so hurtful it re-traumatizes the speaker. For example, a survivor of an attack might be asked, “Why didn’t you just fight back?” This question is not only deeply offensive but also rooted in victim-blaming, implying that the survivor is responsible for the violence they endured.
This isn’t an isolated incident. Time and again, I hear examples where a guest’s curiosity manifests as questions that are insensitive or invasive. Often, these questions delve into deeply personal matters that no one should be expected to explain or justify. In moments like these, a well-intentioned quest for empathy veers into voyeurism. Here’s the truth: we don’t need to know every detail of someone’s life to connect with them. Genuine understanding can happen without infringing on someone’s privacy or jeopardizing their healing process.
The solution lies in setting boundaries—both for the questions donors. According to the World Health Organization, about 70% of the global population has been affected by trauma. For organizations facilitating these interactions, creating safe spaces must be a top priority.
Boundaries Are Essential: “An Interview Without Boundaries Is an Interrogation”
I first heard this powerful truth from Dr. Tonya M. Matthews, President and CEO of the International African American Museum. When discussing how to handle insensitive questions from overly curious guests, she remarked, “An interview without boundaries is an interrogation.” This concept of boundaries is invaluable in the context of ethical storytelling and donor engagement.
When donors meet individuals personally impacted by the nonprofit’s work, it’s essential to recognize that not everyone is in the same place on their healing journey. Some may have had years to process their experiences and have developed the tools to share their stories safely. Others may still be in the midst of healing, and even well-intentioned questions can feel invasive or overwhelming.
Do We Really Need Open Q&A?
Let me be blunt: an open Q&A session is not always necessary. It should not be the default expectation for every interaction. If a Q&A is included, organizations must set clear guidelines to ensure donors understand what kinds of questions are appropriate. Emphasize that respecting boundaries is non-negotiable. Likewise, speakers should know they are never obligated to answer deeply personal questions. Sharing their story is a choice, not a requirement.
Alternatives to Open Q&A
For situations where an open Q&A feels risky or inappropriate, consider these alternatives to create a safer, more respectful environment:
- Written Questions on Notecards
Guests can write their questions on notecards, which a staff member or moderator collects and filters for appropriateness before presenting them to the speaker. This allows for thoughtful curation and protects the speaker from potentially invasive queries. - Small Group Discussions
Break guests into pairs or small groups to formulate questions together. This turns question-gathering into an activity, while a moderator reviews and selects suitable questions for the speaker. - Deferred Q&A
Schedule the Q&A for a later time, without the speaker present. A knowledgeable staff member or professional can address general questions, allowing the speaker to focus solely on their presentation.
Rethinking the Purpose of Q&A
Q&A is not a donor’s entitlement. It is not essential for fostering empathy or understanding, and in some cases, it can do more harm than good. Interactions between donors and speakers should always prioritize safety, respect, and mutual benefit.
I hope this prompts you to reconsider how your organization facilitates Q&A sessions, especially when engaging with individuals who have experienced trauma. By setting boundaries, offering alternative formats, and emphasizing respect, we can create spaces that are not only safe but also genuinely enriching for everyone involved. Ethical storytelling isn’t just about what stories we share—it’s about how we share them and the impact those exchanges leave behind.
