In the realm of ethical storytelling, resistance to policies and procedures is inevitable. Sometimes, the pushback comes from within, staff who don’t understand why extra care and caution are necessary when telling stories or why consent matters so much. But sometimes, the resistance comes from donors.
Lately, I’ve had no fewer than five people ask me variations of the same question:
- “How do I explain to a donor that we don’t film service users, out of respect for their privacy?”
- “How do I respond to a donor who asks to visit one of our classrooms, when we don’t allow that?”
- “How do I tell a donor that their request for pictures of crying kids is completely inappropriate and goes against everything we stand for?”
All of these questions involve donors pushing formal and informal boundaries, whether about storytelling, photography, or direct encounters with service users. And all of these questions start with the same word: how.
That means people are looking for a script, a protocol, a list of steps to follow in response to these requests. But I’m not going to give you that. Instead, I suggest something that surprises most people:
Ask the donor why.
- Why do you want to film service users?
- Why do you want to visit one of our classrooms?
- Why do you want pictures of kids crying?
Instead of responding with a scripted policy statement, which feels cold and impersonal…
Instead of reprimanding them for a misguided idea, which comes across as condescending and dismissive…
Ask them why.
Not in a confrontational way, but with genuine curiosity. You can’t assume their intent or motivation without asking. And because tone matters – and tone can be tricky to interpret – you can soften the question by adding a simple phrase:
“I’m curious, why do you want to film service users?”
Or in email: “Out of curiosity, why would you like to visit one of our classrooms? Knowing this will help me better address your request.”
Then, pause. Don’t jump in with explanations, policies, or assumptions—just wait for them to answer.
Responses to Prepare For
Once you ask why, here’s what might happen, and how to respond:
1) They tell you their true motivations.
- “I want to see the real impact, not just read about it in a report...“
- “Well, I’m not saying we have to film the children exactly, I just want something tangible to share with my family and friends so they understand why I support this work...”
Great. Now you can focus on what they actually want. If you shut them down with, “Our policy is that we don’t allow filming…” this effectively ends the conversation because it focuses only on what you don’t do, not what you can do. But if you ask why…well that’s just the beginning.
Respond with:
- “If your goal is to see the impact of your support, I have plenty of ways to show you that. Let’s talk about what resonates most with you…”
- “Of course, there are lots of ways to show why this work matters—let’s talk through some options.”
By asking why, you move from a hard no to a generative conversation, co-creating a solution that honors their intent, gives them what they really want, and stays within your policies and ethical boundaries.
2) They share a personal connection.
- “Because my family went through something similar when I was growing up….”
- “Because my partner benefited from a program like this, and I want to give back…”
Now you’ve learned something new about them! This could open up a much richer and more meaningful conversation about how their lived experience connects with their philanthropy.
- “That’s incredibly powerful – thank you for sharing. Let’s think about ways to honor your journey while supporting the next generation…”
- “It’s clear this cause is deeply personal to you. Let’s explore ways to connect your generosity to the kind of impact that would be most meaningful for you and the people in our programs…”
This is a moment for deeper relationship-building, something that wouldn’t have happened if you had simply cited policy.
3) They reveal a desire to deepen engagement.
- “Because I’ve always wanted to learn more…”
- “I want to see firsthand how things work on the ground…”
This is great! You don’t want to discourage a donor from wanting to better understand your work. But their original request—aside from being outside your policies—may not actually be the best learning opportunity.
Have alternatives ready: site visits, curated learning experiences, articles, staff conversations. Come ready with ideas galore! Instead of saying no, say, “That’s wonderful. We actually have some great ways for you to learn more, let’s discuss some options…”
Assume Good Intent
Look, we need more empathy in these conversations. People don’t automatically know our policies unless they work in our field.
When a donor makes a request that feels off or icky, it’s easy to assume they are a bad person. After all, the media we are exposed to amplifies the worst behaviors in our society, making them seem far more prevalent than they are. So while some donors can be entitled, rude, or downright inappropriate, the reality is that most aren’t. It’s rare that someone will ever respond with:
“Because I’m giving you a lot of money, and I should get what I want.”
But if they do – well – that’s an easy one. Just keep asking why!
“Why do you believe that…?”
“Why do you think that…?”
Keep asking why and keep probing until their own troubled logic reveals itself.
Anyway, I could go on about how to handle the rare donor who is truly difficult, but honestly, I don’t need to, because most donors don’t think this way. They just want reassurance that their money is being used effectively, that your organization is delivering on its mission, and that their support is making a difference.
And we can give them that, right?
Educating the Donor
I can already hear some of you asking, “But don’t we need to educate the donor at some point?”
Just because we’ve uncovered their true motivation and provided them with an asset or experience that aligns with our ethical storytelling principles doesn’t necessarily mean they’ve learned why their original request was problematic.
Fair point. But here’s the thing: we can only teach those who are willing to learn.
So before diving into an explanation, ask yourself: Are they open to learning? If they seem receptive, you can invite the conversation with a simple question:
- “You may have noticed we do things this way, but not that way. Are you curious to learn why?”
- “I’d be happy to share a little more about why we take this approach – would you like to hear about it?”
By phrasing it this way, you’re obtaining their consent before launching into an explanation. This small but intentional step can make all the difference in how the conversation unfolds.
One more point: timing matters. Wait until after you’ve co-created a plan to meet their needs. Once they feel heard and have a solution that aligns with their goals, they’ll be in a more trusting and receptive place. If you start with an attempt to educate them upfront, before addressing their request, they may feel guilt or shame, both emotions that inhibit learning.
Trust and credibility come first. If the donor feels like they’re being scolded or shut down, they’re more likely to get defensive rather than open to understanding. But if they feel engaged and supported, they’ll be far more willing to hear why ethical storytelling matters.
Conclusion
Navigating donor requests—especially those that push ethical boundaries—doesn’t have to be a battle. Instead of shutting down the conversation with a hard no, ask why.
By doing so, you:
- Learn more about the donor as a person.
- Uncover their real motivations and desires.
- Find ways to align their values with your organization’s mission.
- Create meaningful opportunities to engage them in ethical and impactful ways.
Shifting from “Here’s what we don’t allow” to “Here’s what we can do” turns a potential conflict into a moment of connection. It transforms a transactional relationship into a values-driven partnership.
